


i just can't be your friend

by myungung



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, College!AU, Despair, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Pining, light fluff?, minor mental health issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-08-20 01:36:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8231593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myungung/pseuds/myungung
Summary: When a relationship goes beyond friendship, would you recoil and escape? Or do you embrace it?





	1. chapter 1 - the end

The occasional texts from Mark still came by, and Jinyoung replied only when he was in the mood. Or as Jinyoung often referred as “when he was not so caught up with stuff”. The two had not met up for a while, and it was partly due to Jinyoung’s insistence that he could not fit it into his schedule. Mark’s message would always be pushed down on the pecking order of things to do, as Jinyoung tried to avoid having contact with someone he had to fake being comfortable with.

 

Mark wasn’t in his thoughts anymore, and Jinyoung only thought about the past when the presence of Mark appeared on social media. Jinyoung didn’t feel the need to try to push out those memories anymore, nor did he have that sinking feeling everytime Mark came up.

Sure, Jinyoung had dated here and there, but there wasn’t anyone he felt towards settling down with yet. Truth to be told, Jinyoung did not want to be tied down. He still craved for a social life, and to hang out with his buddies. Besides, Jinyoung didn’t want to be like those buddies of his, who had to report to someone every now and then.

 

***

 

It wasn’t until one night, while swiping through his Instagram feed that Jinyoung found closure. Apart from the usual scenery or lovey dovey couple photos, there was nothing much of interest. Jinyoung gives a few likes here and there, mostly on the accounts with whom Jinyoung felt closer to. He does however pause over a certain picture at this instant.

One of Mark. Mark is back in California, posting something about his holiday back home. And Mark is with a girl.

 

“Lovely sunny day out back home! With my dearie <3” read the caption.

Jinyoung lingers at it longer, before giving the post his approval. He feels at ease with himself. The image or thought of Mark did not make him feel edgy at all, and Jinyoung could say that he was happy for Mark Tuan. Truth be told, the post did not make Jinyoung feel any more negative, nor was Jinyoung bothered about what Mark was up to. He couldn’t even concern himself to check who the girl was.

 

Jinyoung continued to scroll past the updates his friends have posted, adding likes as and when he felt like it. Reaching the end of recent feeds, Jinyoung closes the app, and retires into bed. Park Jinyoung thinks to himself, that this truly is the moment he has moved on.


	2. chapter 2 - the beginning

The overhead speakers played with the latest hits of the summer. The area filled with raucous laughter and was abuzz with excitement. Wide-eyed freshers and leery seniors waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting and lost abound. It would be an understatement to say the courtyard and its surrounding areas were packed, and the truth was that to move along, one would have to squeeze through the throngs of people, peppered with ‘Excuse Mes’.

Yup, Mark knew that he was at the right place. Although he had hated crowds, and would rather be in his room away from people, Mark knew he had to come down to the student fair. After all, he was new to university, and being a foreigner, all the more he had to mingle and find out what could interest him for the next four years of his life.

As of now though, he just wanted to continue touring around and not be halted in his tracks every now and then by seniors approaching the clueless freshers in front of him.

Oh, and he did feel like telling these lost sheep that it is ok to say no thank you and move on, instead of being so polite listening to anyone rave about their interest group. But who was Mark to voice these comments of his, when even Mark himself did not know what he truly wanted to get out of college life. Would he want to join the dance club? The basketball team?These were questions Mark was not ready with an answer yet, so he’s just got to have a feel of this place and ponder over his options. 

 

“Hi! You’re a freshman right? I’m Jinyoung, nice to meet you! How are you settling into college life so far?”

“Er, what?” Mark was stunned by this stranger’s sudden intrusion into his space, and did not catch what was just said. And Mark knew at this instance he was trapped in the awkward situation of having to mingle with a stranger.

“Ah, I said my name is Jinyoung. You must be a freshman I suppose? Not to worry, I’m actually in the student union, and I’m here to help you if you need help actually. So, how’s everything!” The eye wrinkles along Jinyoung’s face started to form as he finished his sentence.

Mark continued staring, and was rather at a loss of words with the friendliness of the stranger. He literally felt like a deer faced with headlights, struggling to come up with an answer.

“Erm…I’ll just continue looking around. Thanks?” was all Mark could reply with.

“No worries, continue to tour around, and just look for any friendly student union members if you’re lost or confused. We’re all wearing these yellow badges on us, so it’s quite easy to identify us. I guess you seem well equipped, and I shan’t bother you in that case. See you around school!” The stranger called Jinyoung began moving off to find other lost sheep that needed help, but not before he gave Mark an encouraging squeeze on the shoulder.

Mark was stunned by the stranger’s touch, and all he could register were Jinyoung’s features, from his on point eyebrows, to his single eyelids, and defined jaw. He felt blood rushing to his face, as Mark realised that throughout his interaction with Jinyoung, he was only just staring at the new figure he met.   
There goes my chance of making a new friend, Mark thought to himself at being so cold to the stranger. He was in a courtyard full of people, but nowhere did he feel even more alone and lost.

“Guess I have to just try another time to make a friend,” mumbled Mark to himself.

The rest of the time Mark was still rather lost among the crowd, but he had already mentally checked himself out of taking anything in from the day.

He couldn't remember anything from the fair, or what Jinyoung said. But all Mark could remember was Jinyoung wearing a red flannel shirt with a black inner tee, paired with navy blue jeans. And Mark thought Jinyoung looked good in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's a lil' short for the intro, but it'll get longer as the chapters go!


	3. chapter 3 - the encounter

Exhausted entirely, Mark just wanted to lie in bed today. He had already reached his quota for human interaction for the week at the student fair, be it from fellow freshmen like him looking around and getting to know each other, or seniors trying to recruit members. There were a few girls that tried to engage in conversations with him, but Mark wasn’t too interested in getting to know them. He decides to just stay in his dormitory room and away from civilisation today, save for social media.

But alas, his body didn’t seem to agree with him. His tummy was rumbling and calling out to be fed. Mark’s out of instant ramyun, leaving no choice but to head to the school cafeteria for some food. Mark throws on a tank top and a pair of shorts, sweeping his fringe to the side, making sure he doesn’t look like an otaku before heading out.

The cafeteria is relatively empty, since Mark headed down only after lunchtime because of his sleeping habits. Besides, school hasn’t officially started, so most who hung around were those staying in the dorms. Mark recognises a few people and smiles at them as he passes them. He doesn’t feel like engaging in small talk, and hurries off to the nearest stall to order. There’s a short queue ahead of him, so Mark fiddles with his phone while waiting for his turn to order.

Upon ordering, he waits at the seats nearby. Mark’s about to drift off into daydreaming until he recognises a familiar figure walking towards his direction. He registers the guy as Jinyoung from the student fair, and Mark’s face unconsciously lights up with a smile. Jinyoung is with a couple of his friends, seemingly engaged in their own conversation. Jinyoung hasn’t noticed Mark yet, but he and his friends are in line at the same store where Mark had ordered his food. Mark decides to just stay low and await his order. He’s not sure if Jinyoung would remember him from yesterday.

“Pork bone soup with rice!” shouts the stall owner, and Mark jumps up at the call of his order. He thanks the stall owner and starts walking back to his dorm. Mark hears a “Hey!” and looks back. The voice belonged to Jinyoung, and it seems that he did recognise Mark.

“You’re the guy I met yesterday at the student fair right? Remember me?” Jinyoung asks.

“Yea, I do. Jinyoung from the student union right?” Mark replies.

“Yup! I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name though.”

“I’m Mark Tuan.”

“Mark Tuan, that doesn’t sound like a Korean name. Where are you from?” Jinyoung perks up upon hearing a different sounding name from the ones he knew.

“I’m actually from the U.S., and I just came here to study this year.”

“Ah, I see. Your Korean’s quite fluent I must say, have you learnt it before?”

“Kind of, I attended some basic lessons before coming here and I actually came here earlier during the holidays to immerse myself before school started.” Mark is rather surprised at the interest Jinyoung has taken in him.

“Next order please!” shouts the stall owner, and it is now Jinyoung and his friends’ turn to order.

“I guess I’ll head off now, nice meeting you Jinyoung.” Mark smiles and takes his cue to leave, as much as he wants to continue this conversation.

“Nice meeting you too, Mark-sshi. Let’s hope we’ll meet again!”

Mark bids his new acquaintance goodbye, and quickens his pace back at the same rhythm that his heart is now beating. He doesn’t look back for fear of looking awkward or being embarrassed, but he remembers the moment before he turned away. It was one of Jinyoung’s scrunched up face as he flashes a smile at Mark. He also remembered Jinyoung attire of a striped tee and the same jeans. He does however, cringe at the white socks beneath the jeans, as Mark felt that it did not fit. And those socks belonged to the era of his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is short chapter, but I promise the next few will be longer and better written?


	4. chapter 4 - the bonding

School was into its second week when Mark met Jinyoung again. It was during one of the breaks after lecture in the business cafeteria where Jinyoung called out Mark’s name. This time, their meeting wasn’t as fleeting as it was before, and Mark felt like he finally got to know Jinyoung.

Mark learnt that Jinyoung was studying Literature in the Humanities faculty, and would often pop by the business cafeteria because he preferred the food there. Jinyoung was the youngest in his family, and he came over from Busan to study, as he wanted a new experience for university. Mark was actually a year older than Jinyoung, after which Jinyoung began calling him hyung. To be honest, hearing Jinyoung add a hyung at the end had rang rather pleasantly to Mark. The two also managed to find similar interests, such as sharing a love for soupy food like ramyun and taking long walks. Jinyoung even suggested they explore other places nearby school if they were in the mood for soul-comforting food, and this pleased Mark greatly.

Mark shared quite a bit of himself to Jinyoung too, about his family background, and the little snippets of his childhood. Mark was rather surprised Jinyoung took such interest in his life back home in California, even though he felt it was all very mundane. Those he spoke to usually did not really care much about childhood stories, and For Mark, it felt like his exchange with Jinyoung put him at ease in making a new friend. It was rather unlike getting to know people back in California, as Mark was often uncomfortable with strangers at first.Their conversations carried on like couples meeting each other for a first date, as they got to know each other better.

But alas, it was time to part, as they both had to move to their next destination. Jinyoung asked for Mark’s Facebook, and promised to continue their conversations at a later timing (or correspondence, as Jinyoung tried in an attempt to use business language). The comment made Mark laugh at the ridiculousness, and it seemed that Jinyoung was rather comfortable around Mark too. Mark had lost count at the number of times that Jinyoung’s eye wrinkles had formed through their time together, he just liked it best when Jinyoung flashed those eye-smiles of his. The exchange, though short, gave the feeling that Mark had found a friend. It wasn’t that the people he met at the dorm were unfriendly, and contrary to that, they took to a foreigner quickly and involved him in many dorm activities. Nonetheless, this friendship felt different to Mark, and it felt as if he had a connection with Jinyoung. Or rather Mark was hoping that there was a connection that was present within them both. With a light spring in his steps, Mark continued on to his lecture.

It wasn’t till 11pm, after all the dorm activities and suppers, that Mark was finally back in his room. Swiping to unlock his phone, Mark went on Facebook to look at his newly accepted friend request.

“Park Jinyoung, 1852 friends, birthday 22nd September,” Mark read aloud.

 _That’s one hell of a popular guy_ , he thought to himself. Considering Mark never saw Jinyoung alone before, and being in student union, Mark shouldn’t be too surprised at the number. He taps on his profile picture, and reads the many comments, mostly from girls, that were left on Jinyoung’s profile. _Ladies man too it seems_ , Mark chuckles as he reads. Deciding that he had enough of stalking his new friend, Mark taps to open up the messenger, and starts tapping on the keyboard.

 

“Hey, it’s Mark! I enjoyed our little talk today and thanks ‘senior’ for the recommendations around school. C:” Mark ponders over the message, hesitating his finger over the send button. After countless editing, Mark finally had his sentence ready.

 

“Hey Jinyoung, Mark here. It was nice meeting you today, and I appreciated your tips for surviving school. See ya around?” Mark was finally satisfied with what he had written. _Seems like a friendly message, and I don’t sound too enthusiastic_ , Mark thought to himself. Finally hitting the send button, Mark went on to get himself changed and carried on with his student duties. Life of a university student doesn’t allow for sleeping before 12am, and Mark was far from being able to sleep soundly without the burden of schoolwork.

A beep rang from his phone, and Mark immediately looked to see from whom his message came from.

“Hi Mark-hyung, glad to be of help today! It was great meeting you today again, and such a pity we had to cut short our conversation because of lessons. I was wondering if you were free this Sunday? I could bring you around the city, and we can continue our conversations. Jinyoung C:” Mark read it to the very end.

“Yea I’m free! Lunch time good for you?” Mark wasn’t one with words, and his replies were always straight to the point.

“Alright, then it’s set. Meet you 12pm at your dorm entrance!” and with that a meeting was set up between the two friends.

Grinning with the date set, Mark set out to complete his work. And the intermittent exchanges between him and Jinyoung kept him company through the night.


	5. chapter 5 - the first date

The room shrieked with a shrill ringing. Mark tapped his fingers clumsily on the screen, hoping to turn it off. Mark was not a morning person (11am wasn’t exactly morning morning, but it was a weekend where Mark could sleep in), and he usually hated it when his alarm clock rang. But today was different. He was due to meet Jinyoung and head out to explore the city.

 

Truth be told, Mark didn’t have enough sleep. He tried scrolling through his phone before bedtime in a bid to fall asleep, but he couldn’t because the excitement in him was swelling. He tossed and turned around, even trying to drink warm milk, but he just couldn’t fall asleep. It wasn’t till hours of staring into the ceiling and organising his thoughts that he finally dozed off. And then in what felt like moments later, Mark had awoken to his alarm shrieking. A lack of sleep wasn’t going to ruin this day. _Could it be considered a date, or was it just hanging out with a friendly senior in school?_ These questions were ones that Mark couldn’t answer, and he was hoping the day’s events would give him a clearer idea. After all, every glance at Jinyoung would make his heart pound harder, reddening his cheeks.

 

Nonetheless, Mark dragged himself out of bed, and prepped himself. Mark usually throws on a loose-fitting tee and a pair of jeans, but he felt something that pushed him into thinking about putting in more effort in his dressing. It was decided that a sweatshirt and ripped jeans should make do, and Mark slipped on a pair of sneakers to match his attire.

 

“Hyung, I’m here downstairs now. See you soon! ;D” a text from Jinyoung lit up Mark’s phone. It was only 11.50am, but here was Mark’s new friend.

 

 _Crap_ , Mark thought to himself, as he grabbed his keys and sprayed on some cologne before rushing downstairs. A handsome figure stood at the dorm entrance, leaning against the door, once Mark made his way down.

 

“Ah, you didn’t need to rush, we’re still early.” Jinyoung giggled at Mark, and his eye wrinkles formed at the sides simultaneously. Mark just smiled and lowered his head, as both boys headed out of the dorm. He wasn’t about to let Jinyoung know that the flush in his cheeks was so not due to rushing.

 

“So where are we going?” asked Mark.

 

“Well, it’s a surprise. I’ll bring you around to places you probably haven’t heard of. And maybe along the way you’ll get cornered by shady figures and who knows what’s going to happen?”

 

Mark widened his eyes, and scrutinised his friend.

 

Jinyoung’s straight face gave way, as he burst out laughing. “It was a joke hyung! Do I look like a baddie to you?”

 

That was what Mark could remember from their conversation as they made their journey into the city. He recalled they probably chatted on topics from music they listen to, or on what trends in fashion they liked and all. Yet, Mark couldn’t register anything of interest, partly due to him observing the active facial muscles of the one in front of him as they conversed. These movements seemed to add on colour to whatever Jinyoung was feeling towards the topic of interest they were having. It was interesting observing Jinyoung, from his scowl when talking about how ‘holey’ clothes were these days, to his increased speed in talking and higher-pitched voice when the topic was on the baby Yeezy shoes that Jinyoung would consider buying now for his future children if he had the cash to splash. Mark had also noticed the instances of Jinyoung patting his thigh or grabbing on to his arm every time he laughed. Time seemed to fly as their 30-minute journey into the city came to an end as soon as it began.

 

Their tour around the city was rather eventful, as Jinyoung brought Mark around places he hadn’t heard before from his dorm mates. There were obscure cafes located in shady alleys that Mark would have never intended to enter, with food that probably was a little too overpriced in his opinion too. Yet, it was fun discovering these places, and as Jinyoung would say, “It’s #forthefeed.”

Mark was glad he didn’t have an image to uphold, such that he could just post what he desired without fearing judgement. His tummy though, was filled along the way with the assortment of nibbles from the various food carts they passed by. It felt as if Mark was on a spiritual journey of attaining nirvana for his stomach throughout the day.

 

Their time together passed quickly, as dusk fell upon them. Jinyoung had somewhere else to be, and so they had to part. Jinyoung’s phone was buzzing with messages throughout the day, but oddly enough he didn’t feel a need to check them as his attention was focused on spending the time with Mark. They parted at the subway station, with Jinyoung flashing his signature eye smile as he bid his farewell. Mark couldn’t help but grin upon looking at Jinyoung, but waved Jinyoung off and headed into his train carriage. He would usually fiddle with his phone, or be playing games on the subway journey back home. But today, even as he had unlocked his phone, Mark was just staring into space. Focusing on what had happened earlier on, Mark was reminded of simple, happy times.

 

Mark had learnt of Jinyoung’s favourite haunts in the city, like the café that Jinyoung camped in when he was stressed out, or when he needed somewhere to organise his thoughts. It felt like Mark had managed to catch a glimpse of what Jinyoung did in his free time, and as if he was slowly inching into Jinyoung’s life with the little tidbits of his life slowly falling out. Mark was starting to feel comfortable in the presence of his new friend, easing up whenever Jinyoung initiated skinship, which was something rather new to him. There were times where Jinyoung’s arm would sling onto his shoulder, as they walked down the streets. Or times where Jinyoung would grab Mark’s wrist to lead him into a shop that had something cutesy. Mark would flinch at these small touches in the past, but with Jinyoung it all felt quite natural. _Maybe I’m beginning to immerse himself in Korean culture_ , Mark thinks. Since he didn’t hang out with the other international students and hung out mainly with Koreans in the dorm, it seemed like a possibility.

 

But there was one moment that left Mark confused, during one of their café visits. Tired out from their continuous exploration, they just wanted to rest and the café provided a cool respite from the sun too. Sharing an iced tea to perk themselves up and seated comfortably, it was the rest they needed. As Jinyoung was scrutinising Mark’s features, he had observed that Mark’s hair was not holding up as well as it did in the morning. Strands from Mark’s fringe were now falling on his forehead. The next moment caught Mark off guard, as Jinyoung began using his fingers to brush Mark’s hair to the side. Rather taken aback, Mark just stared at Jinyoung, hoping for some explanation. However, Jinyoung continued on unfazed, stating that Mark’s features stood out more when hair wasn’t covering his face. Jinyoung seemed fine with whatever that happened, and continued sipping on the tea. Conversation continued to flow, and Mark didn’t want to dwell on that moment anymore. Still, Mark felt oddly pleased with himself. Jinyoung’s compliment and touch brought him a tinge of happiness, and even on the train back, Mark was still thinking about it.

 

Now back in his room, Mark was still thinking about the incident. Or even the many moments where there was no hesitation in skinship from Jinyoung. He couldn’t figure out what emotion he was feeling, nor could he be certain if there even was anything.

 _It’s just normal interaction between two friends_ , Mark thinks to himself, _but could it be something else_? Today’s date ( _was it really a date or just hanging out?_ ) was almost perfect, and Mark was already anticipating the next one with Jinyoung.

 

He was about to text Jinyoung to thank him for the day, and to try his luck for another day out with Jinyoung. But instead Mark fell asleep even before he finished his message, leaving the phone resting in his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally something longer I guess! and sorry for being long-winded the past few chapters, it's starting to pick up and should flow better I suppose?


	6. chapter 6 - the emptiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a peek into Jinyoung's POV

The sunrays peek through the blinds, and rest themselves upon Jinyoung’s face. It was as if the sun was telling Jinyoung to wake up. Wiping the drool of his chin, Jinyoung pulled himself upright. Jinyoung thought about the previous day. How he had paced up and down in his room trying to find something suitable to wear. He had prided himself as one of the more fashionable people around school, and was determined to wear something that was well put to meet Mark. Trying out various combinations, he still wasn’t satisfied with what he was wearing. And it took him 15 minutes before he finally picked a colour block jumper with faded jeans. Jinyoung was still not contented with his choice, but he decided he was not going to be late. 

Bringing himself back to current timing, Jinyoung picked his phone up. There were a few alerts, of which none interested him.

 

“Hey sleepyhead, you alright? Didn’t hear from you after we parted yesterday.” Jinyoung sent his message. And off Jinyoung went to prepare himself for school. His schedule was packed today, with classes and a meeting with the student union after that. Jinyoung looked forward to such days, because it felt as if he was making full use of his student life. School breezed past pretty quickly, as it was yet another day in motion for Jinyoung, with the lectures and tutorials. Mark still had not texted back, but Jinyoung attributed it to him probably still sleeping. It wasn’t till late afternoon that Jinyoung got a reply.

 

“Sorry, I concussed the whole night and didn’t get to text you till I was freer. I really enjoyed my time yesterday, and just wanted to thank you again.”

 

Jinyoung was now in the meeting, but what interested him more was tapping his fingers on the screen to reply Mark.

 

“No worries, anything for a friend! Anything up today?”

 

“Not really haha. You know, the usual dorm activities, and they’ll probably be drinking again today?”

 

“Enjoy! Just make sure I don’t receive drunk texts from you, or a call from you crying over your past relationships. ;P”

 

“Oh please, I can control my liquor. You’re probably weaker than me in drinking anyway. And sadly, I’m not that experienced in relationships as you, Mr Popular. ;D”

 

Jinyoung giggled to himself over the banter that was occurring, instead of paying attention to what was happening around him. The remaining time in the meeting was just him looking down upon his phone and replying the instant Mark texted back.

Their exchange continued well into the night, as the pair talked about everything and nothing in particular. Jinyoung found himself constantly smiling to the messages. He would put down everything he was doing to reply whenever Mark’s text appeared, and while this wasn’t typical of him, Jinyoung hadn’t give much thought to it.

 

The replies from Mark began to slow down as the night advanced, and Jinyoung figured that Mark was probably busy with his dorm activities, or that Mark just fell into deep sleep again. Jinyoung supposes he should wind down too, placing the phone on his nightstand. Jinyoung has a habit of self-reflection at the end of the day, in his bed where he is away from everyone and everything.

Many things have happened in his busy life, but recently Jinyoung is just glad that he had met Mark. Jinyoung had enjoyed his time with Mark, and he thinks the same could be applied to Mark. Jinyoung feels that the two of them are able to click, and would often think about spending more time with Mark. His daily reflection time did include more of Mark recently, and although Jinyoung doesn’t want to admit it, thinking about Mark brings him warmth within.

But as with people that overthink, Jinyoung wonders if there is a problem with him if Mark keeps appearing in his mind. It wasn’t that Jinyoung couldn’t find people that he could click with. In fact, Jinyoung considers himself to be surrounded by close friends, from his cliques back in high school, to his current college friends and student union mates. Jinyoung was someone who loved interacting with others, and would attempt to get to know them deeper. He always felt pleased with himself after helping his friends out with their issues, or even making someone smile after a hard day. Jinyoung may not be rich, but he was fine just to collect gains in the currency of earning happiness from others.

 

Yet, Jinyoung craves for more. The truth is, Jinyoung constantly feels the need to make people around him happy, and to be well liked. It was not just Mark, or his friends, but Jinyoung feels even those whom he was acquainted with had to have a good impression of him. Which was why Jinyoung signed up for the student union, as a way to meet more people, and to make himself feel that he has made a difference. Jinyoung smiles at the various people he meets along in school, engaging in small talk here and there. Sure, it may be tiring to constantly put on an extroverted image, but it does make Jinyoung feel good to be perceived as the friendly and nice guy on campus. It wasn’t a popularity thing to Jinyoung, rather something that filled him up emotionally and mentally. 

At the end of every day, when Jinyoung is alone in his apartment, he does feel the emptiness inside of him creeping in. Jinyoung tries to feel a little less hollow within, as he engages in the various social interactions with people, even if it tires him out. He doesn’t know when did he start feeling like this, but he knows that it has become a part of him. Jinyoung can smile the whole day in front of others, yet when he’s all alone, he hardly musters up the ability to feel too happy. Sure, he does smile or grin with some thoughts, but it never quells away the sinking feeling in him.

Jinyoung never feels a need to tell anyone about this, not even his parents or noona back home in Busan, because he doesn’t think anybody will understand him. He sees no point in letting anyone know what’s happening to him when he’s enclosed in his own space. The few instances he tried opening himself up, he was simply told the cursory get better pal, or they would ask him to see a psychologist should he ever feel a new low of despair. Friends would say that they’re there for him to confide in and these issues fade away with time. Yet, once people get tired of your problems, they stop offering tangible support. Jinyoung knows better than to follow advice from people, he has known for a while that these are just empty words that they use to make themselves feel better, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's a little negative, but hope you guys like it!


	7. chapter 7 - the charm

It is another Monday morning. And Mondays are never good days to start the week. You never know whether to drag yourself out of bed, or continue to sleep in and miss lessons. College life gave Mark freedom, the choice of being responsible for your own. And Mark struggles with the choice of going to school or skipping school. Today, Mark thinks that he’ll snooze for a few more minutes, and enter the lecture theatre late.

After what feels like various bouts of waking up and dozing back off, Mark finally drags himself out of bed. It’s five more minutes to the start of his first lesson for the day, and he hasn’t gotten ready. Mark’s plan now was to freshen up, get changed, and chug some caffeine on the way to his lecture. If it weren’t for the attendance that Mark needed to sign, he would just watch the online lectures available. It takes another fifteen minutes before Mark dallies into the business building, looking for the venue he was supposed to be present in ten minutes ago. He ignores the stares at him as he enters, and plops himself in the front row. The lecturer eyeballs him for a moment, before continuing with her lessons.

Great, now Mark’s probably on her shitlist after coming in late almost every Monday. Well, the only time Mark wasn’t late for her lecture was in the first week, so it doesn’t really count in his opinion. Today’s lecture was on macroeconomics, and Mark feels like he has learnt this before. He begins scribbling nothing of importance on his notepad, soon giving himself in to the sleepiness that hasn’t gone away since he had awoken.

“Alright, that’s the end of today’s lesson. Remember to watch the extra videos that I’ve uploaded on the school portal. I’ll see you again next week,” the lecturer ends off her time, and it wakes Mark up.

Even though it was only the first lesson down, Mark feels the weight of having had a full day of lessons on him now. Mark falls back to sleep again in his exact spot as the class slowly departs. Mark supposes that he’ll probably get awoken up by some kind soul that enters for the next lesson.

Nobody woke him up, but the moment that Mark is conscious begins when he hears some video playing. Mark tries to open his eyes, and does not recognise the video that is being played. Nor does Mark recognise the lecturer seated in front of the class. Just as Mark was slowly taking in everything, he hears somebody snort next to him.

“Morning sleepyhead,” the person whispers.

Mark turns, and realises it’s Jinyoung. Which means that Mark is definitely not in the right lesson, and he is probably missing the one he’s supposed to be at.

“I saw you sleeping so soundly, and decided to sit next to you in this lesson,” Jinyoung adds. “The lecture ends when the video ends, I’ll talk to you after that.”

Mark nods, and just looks straight at the screen. He’s not exactly sure what time it is, but he knows that he’s not going to like how his schedule is turning out. The video is rather interesting, as Mark learns about how companies diversify their portfolio by having brands of different price ranges. It probably was a marketing module that he was in, which Mark thinks he’ll take this module probably only next semester.

After Mark comes to the realisation that Kraft Foods was now Mondelez, the video ends and the lecture hall is now bright again. Once again, people start streaming out, but this time Mark is awake and looking at Jinyoung. He hasn’t seen him around for the past few days, and the sight in front of him makes him realise again how pleasing to the eyes Jinyoung is. He tries to avoid staring, looking at the students that would cross pass him every once in a while.

“So do you mind telling me what are you doing in a marketing module that is strictly for non-business students?” Jinyoung’s question brings Mark back to earth.

“Well, I guess I wanted to take a nap and hoped that somebody would wake me up before the lecture started, but things turned out this way I guess?”

“I figured, and I didn’t really want to disturb Sleeping Beauty here, so I just sat next to you to see when you would realise,” laughter escapes from Jinyoung’s mouth as he speaks. “Anyway, what time do you end today? I have to head off back to the Humanities building, but I can meet you after I’m done?”

“I have lessons till 5pm? But I’m not exactly sure where I end, I’ll text you later I guess,” Mark replies.

“Alright, I’ll see you later. Don’t miss your lessons again hyung!” Jinyoung walks off and smiles with his wrinkles forming at his temples. He joins his friends who were waiting at the exit, and heads off. Mark could hear their discussions and laughter even after they were out of sight.

Mark checks on his timetable, and looks at the time. He still has around half an hour before his next lesson begins, and it’ll be a long way to go with back-to-back lessons before he ends for the day. Heading off to the cafeteria and grabbing a sandwich should suffice. And Mark would probably need another cup of coffee.

 

***

 

The final lesson ends, and Mark can finally say he is done for the day. Although he wasn’t exactly paying attention throughout, Mark did write down some notes along with some other doodles on his notepad. He keeps everything in his bag, takes out his phone and texts Jinyoung.

“I’m done. Wru?”

“Waiting at the business cafeteria. Hurry up hyung, I’ve waited too longgggg!!!” Jinyoung’s text was concluded with a horrified emoji at the end.

Mark chuckles at what he reads on his display, and walks towards the cafeteria. He had been texting Jinyoung throughout the lessons, and they kept him amused all this time, as Mark managed to stay awake.

The cafeteria, though not packed, still had groups of students hanging around even at this time. Mark supposes that these people were probably grabbing dinner. He searches around, but still doesn’t find Jinyoung.

“I don’t see you?” as he sends another short text to Jinyoung.

“Look for the brightest spark in the cafeteria, I’m sure you’ll find me. ;P”

“Oh gawd, what?!” Mark had a mix of disgust and yet amusement at Jinyoung’s shamelessness.

“Haha, I can’t help if people’s attention are diverted to me. But really, I’m sitting next to a couple who can’t tear themselves away from each other. Save me puh-lease,” Jinyoung’s reply were peppered with more emojis along. Mark felt it was rather endearing of Jinyoung with the way he communicated.

He soon found Jinyoung sitting at the edge of cafeteria, and next to him was a lump of two bodies pressed together like they had glue on them. Mark wished he could unsee whatever that was in front of him now.

Jinyoung and Mark headed off as quickly as they could, towards some haunt where Jinyoung and his mates would often go after meetings. It was an all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ, and Jinyoung assures Mark that he would get his fill from the meat alone.

“So why are you so free to have dinner with me, Mr Popular?” Mark starts off, as they continue to stroll out.

“Ah, I just felt like it I guess, and since you look like you could use some company today too,” sniped Jinyoung.

Their walking journey was filled with continuous jesting of Jinyoung’s popularity and of Mark’s lack of it. It had been a while since Mark was at such ease with someone, as he felt himself drawn more to Jinyoung as their interactions increased.

They were soon seated in the restaurant, and began digging in thereafter. Jinyoung gave tips to Mark on what type of meats they should choose, and to ration on certain types of food. _Don’t take the cooked food, grab more kimchi, don’t order the collar meat, no rice_ …the list went on and Mark felt like he was being nagged at by his mum back home. Eating filled up the most of their dinner, with conversations only happening when they were waiting for the meats to be served, or while they were waiting for it to be cooked on the grill. Mark didn’t like to be disturbed during eating, but he didn’t mind Jinyoung just staring and giggling every now and then. It made him feel redder and hotter than he was with the attention, but Mark was thankful the grill was an excuse for his flush.

The evening continued on comfortably, and it had been quite some time since Mark’s stomach was stuffed. After perhaps their seventeenth order of pork belly, Jinyoung surrenders and tells Mark to finish it all up. The pair decides that they should probably stop before they puke everything out. As the bill comes to them, both fight over who should pay. Jinyoung says he should treat because he brought Mark here, while Mark interjects that he should pay as a way of thanking Jinyoung for his great recommendation. The seesaw continued until the waiter was frustrated with them, and came back with two separate bills for them. Jinyoung and Mark looked back and forth at each other and the waiter, before laughing.

“So what’s really up with you today?” Mark asks as they headed to the direction of the subway station.

“Huh? Nothing’s wrong, why would you say that?” taken aback by Mark’s words, Jinyoung struggled to come up with something.

“It’s just I felt you were trying to laugh a lot more today? And your crinkles were a bit forced earlier on in school.”

“Much observation. Very insightful. Wow.” deadpanned Jinyoung. “But it’s nothing really. Thanks anyway, hyung.”

“If you say so. I’m just glad that we got to hang out today Jinyoungie. Can I call you that?” Mark grinned at the mention of it. He quite liked the way it flowed out of his lips.

“Hah, yes you may. My close friends do call me that. And likewise, I enjoyed myself today with your company too.” Jinyoung flashed a smile with his words, and Mark swore at that moment he could have been blinded.

Gaining back his composure, Mark continued. “So we're considered close friends now Jinyoungie?”

“Yes, yes, hyung. Now let’s just move on,” Jinyoung went back to his snarky self.

They had reached the subway station, and were now heading towards different directions. Before bidding goodbye, Jinyoung lunged himself towards Mark for a hug.

“Thanks again for tonight,” was all Jinyoung said as he lingered on a little longer. Mark, although a little stunned, wrapped his arms around Jinyoung and patted him. He wasn’t sure how to reciprocate, considering he didn’t really hug anyone usually.

As they parted, Jinyoung was back to his cheery self. Mark walked back thinking about what had just happened. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but it might be just that Jinyoung was a touchy type of person compared to his other friends. Yet, Mark wonders if he could be a little bit more special to receive such attention? Whatever that was unfolding baffled Mark, though he did feel his heart increasing pace as he thought about it. And after all, it gave him a warm feeling? That, was probably the only thing Mark was certain about.

 

“Good night Jinyoung. Hope you’re feeling better, and if you ever need someone to talk to, you can text me? Mark (;” as Mark ended off the night with fingers pressing on the send button.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a rather long chapter? and I guess things are starting to get a mixture of fluff and negativity?


	8. chapter 8 - the river

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jinyoung breaks down

The surroundings calm and serene. Nobody screaming that they saw moths or lizards around, nor were there random noises of fellow neighbours trudging their way to the toilets, knocking into random pillars. Mark likes this peace, as it usually happens on the weekends, where most of the students were back home. He doesn’t have anything specifically planned today, but Mark decides today might finally be the day he cleans his room.

 

Busying himself with household chores was something new, his mum was no longer here to help him like back home. Mark knew he had no one to turn to for help since he was living alone. Besides, the dorm conducted monthly inspections, and Mark did not want to deplete his already bleeding account on fines and hiring cleaners. Cleaning was a mindless activity that took worries away, and once in a while when Mark was stressed out, it would help him clear his mind and escape from people.

 

Finally satisfied with how his room was now, Mark’s stomach began to growl. He goes on to fix some ramyun for himself. It was his comfort food here in Seoul, and Mark didn’t need a masterchef level of skill to fill his tummy.

 

The table buzzed along with the vibration from Mark’s phone.

 

“Hyung, are you in? I’m downstairs now.” It was a text from Jinyoung.

 

Mark put his food down, and headed down to the reception area. Jinyoung was standing there. Although he was dressed rather nicely in a blue sweatshirt and grey sweatpants, something in him felt different as compared to the previous time Mark saw him. His posture, once so straight and proper, was now slouching against the pillar. His dewy, radiant skin was reduced to an ashen pale that needed colour in it.

 

“Sorry to bother you, I just needed someone to be with,” was all that came out from Jinyoung’s mouth.

 

Mark offered Jinyoung some of his ramyun as they both went up to his room, but Jinyoung just shook his head and stared at Mark.

 

“So, what’s up?” came Mark’s question in between slurps.

 

Jinyoung stared blankly in Mark’s direction, without an answer. Mark continues with his bowl of noodles, deciding that probing Jinyoung for an answer was not going to achieve anything.

 

“I cleaned my room, in case you didn’t notice. Felt so accomplished with the neatness now.” Mark interjected with random musings.

 

It didn’t change the atmosphere, but at least Jinyoung nodded and gave a weak smile.

 

“Come, I know where we can go.”

Mark was finished with his noodles, and since Jinyoung wasn’t responding much, he decided it wasn’t good for both of them to stay in the room and wait for something to happen.

Jinyoung followed along the footsteps of Mark. There was an air of silence en route to their destination.

 

Mark first brought them to a convenience store, and bought two packs of beer cans.

 

“So, since you’re not saying anything, I’m bringing you to my favourite spot in the city. My go to place whenever I’m feeling down.” Mark explained after paying for the beer.

 

Mark brought Jinyoung to the Han River, and plopped themselves near a bridge. Mark didn’t know what bridge this was, but he liked this spot because it was rather secluded and there weren’t a lot of people walking along. It was where Mark would recharge himself in anticipation of the amount of human interaction he had to face.

 

“Here, have one,” as Mark passed Jinyoung an opened can of beer. “This place makes me feel better, as I’m away from everyone. Just staring into the river, listening to the cars passing over the bridge, it all feels so therapeutic. I don’t know if it will help, but I guess nobody will bother you here?”

 

“Thanks hyung.” Jinyoung took a sip of the beer.

Mark’s words provided some comfort. Friends would typically ask Jinyoung to chin up, or tell him that things will get better. But Jinyoung was not here to listen to such clichés. Being with Mark here felt different.

 

The two of them continued staring into the vast water body ahead of them, drinking along and maintaining the comfortable silence. Mark would occasionally steal glances at Jinyoung, checking on him.

 

“I’m tired. Of everything. I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life at the moment. And I just feel so empty inside,” the words spilled out of Jinyoung’s mouth.

 

Mark stayed put, looking at Jinyoung with a smile. “I don’t want to say that I know what you’re feeling, but just know that whatever that’s said will stay with me, and if you need anything from me I’ll be here.”

 

Jinyoung continued to gulp the beer down, replacing his can with another. He wasn’t a good drinker and usually kept his limit at two. But today, he did not want to be tied down by these restrictions, choosing instead to allow himself to drown in sorrows. Halfway through his fourth can now, the flush could be felt on Jinyoung’s face. There was no point in limiting his drinks. He had hoped the alcohol would depress the negativity, and perhaps fill up the emptiness in him.

 

Mark stares at Jinyoung, sipping slowly at his own can. Seeing Jinyoung like this ached him and he had nothing to say as of now. He wasn’t good with words, but what could he do now?

 

“Do you know,” Jinyoung started to speak again, “that I hated my childhood? I just want that horrible timeframe to be erased. Sure, I had people to play with and talk to. But I never felt any connection with them, and I always felt hurt by their words. I wasn’t the manliest of guys when I was young, and would always get picked on for that. Growing up with two older sisters meant that I was always doted on by them and my parents. They never hit me, and chided me once in a blue moon, when I really screwed things up. You could say I was rather sheltered. But things in school were different, these people were used to harsh or negative words, or just being teased at. When they made fun of me, I could never get used to it or take it well. And they would always take advantage of that, using it to their enjoyment. They took joy in a weak person like me.”

 

Jinyoung took another sip off his can and continued.

 

“I didn’t tell my parents or noona any of this, and they probably just thought I was a crybaby each time I came home to school with a soak-stained uniform. I mean it’s not that I hate them. I love them dearly and they’ve taken care of me with all their love. But I just grew up not liking the people I was around with. To be called names and constantly being picked on for reacting to it, I could never truly adjust to that.”

 

Tears were welling up.

 

“And now, I keep trying to make up for those times. I constantly look happy and unfazed, so that people won’t know what truly makes me tick. I engage people in conversations, getting to know them so that they won’t have a bad impression of me. I make sure nobody can see that I’m easily affected by people’s words, maintaining an image. And what happens? Nobody will ever understand that once I’m all alone, my past haunts and cripples me. It’s hard keeping up this façade, and sometimes I wish I could say, no, I’m not always happy. I have my downs too, but telling them would just make me look weak. What if they use it to bring me down? What if these people look at me and see the crybaby Jinyoung? These upsetting memories have imprinted themselves, and it hurts each time they reappear. Do you know how hard it is to feel as though you can never let your guard down?”

 

The rant had ended, but Jinyoung continued to tremble as the tears had streaked down his face. Mark could only watch helplessly as his friend was breaking down in front of him. All he wanted to do was to make Jinyoung feel better.

He pressed Jinyoung against his chest, holding on to him and stroking his back rhythmically. Jinyoung’s body was still shuddering in his embrace, and it made Mark hold him tighter.

 

Mark wasn’t sure how long had passed with both of them in this position. He wasn;t sure how long he had been staring into space thinking about Jinyoung, while Jinyoung’s head was nestled on his lap. He was beginning to feel pins and needles, but he didn’t want to wake Jinyoung up. He had seen a different Jinyoung, one that he wasn’t aware of. But this version of Jinyoung he was with now brought out an appreciation, that after all, this was a precious person to hold on to. Mark felt a need to protect Jinyoung, and to keep him away from the emotional upheaval.

 

Mark could hear the wind whistling by, as the streets were quiet, the riverside empty. Cars were heard passing only in intervals of minutes. Neither of them would be able to endure the creeping chill with what they were dressed in. Mark tried shaking Jinyoung, trying to wake him up. No response.

 

Mark was only left with one last resort. Propping Jinyoung onto his back, Mark began the journey back to the dorms. Jinyoung would have to stay over tonight, since Mark didn’t know where Jinyoung stayed.

 

Even with his bigger frame, it was still bearable to support Jinyoung. Jinyoung would spout some incomprehensible phrases, and Mark would just hum in agreement to whatever that was said. After all, the drunkard was probably not going to remember anything.

 

Finally reaching the dorm, Mark laid Jinyoung on his bed, while he took the spot on the floor. It had been a long night, and Mark replayed the events over in his mind. Park Jinyoung had shown his rare moment of weakness to him. Mark was not just any friend now, and he wanted nothing else but for Jinyoung to stay cocooned in Mark’s protection.

 

With his heart racing, Mark unknowingly fell into a slumber.


	9. chapter 9 - the getaway

Jinyoung was gone the next morning when Mark woke up. There was hardly any trace of Jinyoung in the room, save for a post-it note left on Mark’s table.

“Thanks for listening to me last night. I’m fine now, don't worry about me!”

And that was all it read. Mark hopes that Jinyoung is truly fine, but he knows that it is in no definite terms that Jinyoung could be after one night of ranting. The message doesn't leave any other clues, and Mark can't help but be worried. Mark reaches out for his phone, and sends a text out.

“Didn’t catch you leaving this morning, but I got your post-it. Again, I’m just a text away.”

“Morning hyung! I hope your back isn’t aching from sleeping on the floor. (:”

The reply almost instantaneous.

Soon, it was almost back to normal for these two, as they carried on their usual repartee of texting each other. _Seems like Jinyoung has perked up considerably_ , Mark ponders. He could only hope these exchanges were genuine like the emotions Jinyoung revealed the night before. 

 

***

 

Another school week begins, but this time the atmosphere is a little more tensed. It’s midterms week, and everyone is deep into their books. Mark is no exception, as he even wakes up according to his alarm clock now. He’s not going to screw up his first semester, and it is what keeps him continuing even though he constantly feels lost at the concepts explained in Korean. Of course, Jinyoung’s texts do keep him motivated too. Mark and Jinyoung have been constantly buzzing each other throughout, increasing in intensity especially in the build-up to this busy week for them.   
Mark perks up upon reading the messages from Jinyoung, but he’s not sure if Jinyoung feels the same. Mark’s not too sure if what he’s feeling now can be attributed to an inclination to Jinyoung, or just Mark being happy that his time with Jinyoung reminds him of home. He figures Jinyoung probably doesn't put too much thought into it either, considering the amount of friends he has. And the constant Facebook selfies that encourages people to press on during this trying period, which his friends would always comment on.

_“Thank you oppa, I’ll push through because of your encouragement!”_

_“Jinyoung-ah, hwaiting too!”_

These are just few of the comments, and the others were mostly similar in content. Jinyoung’s posts seem like lures that were set up to capture positive comments from people, be it males or females. It’s not that Mark is not pleased with the selfies of Jinyoung, but he rather wishes that he had received something else from Jinyoung too.

Only when Friday comes does Mark truly feel liberated. He has 2 weeks of rest to himself, since the mid-semester break begins next week. Most of his friends in the dormitory are heading back home, or they’ve chosen to head to neighbouring cities for a break. Mark himself hasn’t decided what is he going to do, but he settles for keeping to himself during these precious two weeks.

But of course plans always vary, and Mark has a change of heart when he receives Jinyoung’s text.

“Hi Mark-hyung! I’m heading back to Busan tomorrow for the break. Since my parents and sisters are on holiday elsewhere, my home’s gonna be rather empty. Not sure if you’ve made plans, but do you wanna join me for a week in Busan? No pressure!”

Mark’s heartbeat accelerates. _Did he just get an invitation by Mr Popular to join him for the holidays? With just the two of them?_ It was almost like a dream to Mark at this moment, and he’s at a loss of words.

“Ok sure,” Mark being typical Mark, types in the two dullest words. He regrets the moment he sends it, but it’s too late to make amends. He just hopes he hasn’t killed Jinyoung’s enthusiasm to be back home.

“Hahaha, great! See you tomorrow then at the train station? Don’t oversleep!”

Mark is over the moon, the excitement of spending a week with Jinyoung still fluttering inside him. He thinks that he probably won’t be able to sleep through the night, but at least he won’t oversleep?

 

And indeed, Mark forces himself not to catch any winks throughout, devoting his time to the computer instead. When the morning sun ultimately arrives, Mark is glad he doesn’t have to while his time away anymore.

For someone who hasn’t crashed on the bed the entire night, Mark is pretty full of life. Fidgeting with himself at the train station, Mark awaits for Jinyoung impatiently even before the scheduled timing. He meets a zombied Jinyoung at the train station, with Jinyoung left wondering what Mark took to have such enthusiasm in him.

Nonetheless, both parties conk out in their seats as they board the two-hour plus journey towards Jinyoung’s home. Both boys have their mouths opened widely, almost as if to catch any flies. Mark only realises the weight of Jinyoung against him halfway, when he catches some hair in his mouth. He opens his eyes to catch a glimpse of them both nuzzled close, almost naturally. And Mark went back to catch up on his debt, grinning and keeping the same position.

 

Jinyoung guides Mark along upon arrival. He didn’t seem to mind or mentioned anything about the napping incident on the train, and so Mark just kept quiet till they arrived at Jinyoung’s home. The house was located in a rather central location, in an apartment building that overlooked the ocean.

Pictures of Jinyoung and his family were strewn across the hall, from childhood ones to even more recent ones of his sisters graduating. There was something warm and fuzzy about the house even though it wasn’t lavishly decorated. Perhaps it was because Mark had been away for too long from home, any semblance of an area touched by family would bring him those feels.

And Jinyoung’s room, it was cosy to say the least. There were bookshelves of various novels, comics, and encyclopaedias ( _wow these must have been rather old_ , Mark thought to himself). The desk was filled with notes and post-its, scribblings that Mark couldn’t recognise, but it seemed to be from various people. And next to the window was Jinyoung’s bed, a queen-sized one that seem fit for the youngest that was adored by everyone in the family.

“Oh, you’re sleeping in this bed with me for the whole week. We don’t have a spare room, and I’m sure my sisters would not want either of us in their rooms.” Jinyoung stated nonchalantly.

Mark, stunned for words at this declaration, couldn’t hide his glee and leaked out a toothy grin. Things were aligned rather nicely this week for Mark, and Mark was beaming with each pleasant surprise that allowed him to spend more private time with Jinyoung.

“Let me show you around the house, and we'll head for some grub,” Jinyoung spoke again, bringing Mark out of his daze.

Mark continued touring around the house, viewing Jinyoung’s parents wedding photos and the various trophies that Jinyoung and his sisters won over the years. It felt all so familiar, but yet different to Mark. Sure, these displays around the house were typical of family homes, but something in them didn’t ring as hollow as it usually did. Or it didn’t to Mark this time.

 

Dinner was at this small hole-in-the-wall place serving mandoo. Jinyoung, aware of Mark’s love for soups and stews, had brought both of them here to indulge. Together with soju, it would be a night of celebration for the pair, as they began their break.

Jinyoung showed Mark around the neighbourhood post dinner, showing him the various places Jinyoung spent with his family. Even though his family only moved in to the apartment in recent years, Jinyoung had always been living around the neighbourhood. Most of the shop owners around recognised him, and Jinyoung engaged them in small talk along the walk around. A little red-faced from dinner but still aware, Jinyoung would at times speak at a higher volume while talking, earning guffaws from the shopkeepers. But it was all in good-natured fun, with one ahjumma even giving both Jinyoung and Mark ice cream cones as they left.

 

Jinyoung missed such moments, where there was a small community that recognised each other. It was so different from Seoul, where the fast-paced life left little interaction amongst people who would pass by each other. He felt rather joyous back home, and to be able to share such moments with his friend Mark. Simple moments like this gave him joy, and Jinyoung hoped that Mark did enjoy himself. Going by the smiles and high-pitched laughters from Mark whenever an embarrassing story came up, it certainly seemed like they both were having a good time tonight. And the entire time they were walking around, Jinyoung had his arm locked across Mark’s, never once letting go as they continued their walk. But the night was not yet over, as Jinyoung and Mark headed to the park. The park where Jinyoung would often spend weekends with his family.

“So why are we here?” Mark asked out of curiosity.

“I wanted to revisit this place, and it’s been a while since I’ve gazed at the stars I guess?”

Jinyoung brought them to an empty patch of grass, and ordered Mark to lie on it with him, as they looked toward the sky. Jinyoung was rambling about the constellations, how he became interested in astronomy and astrology from young after reading the encyclopaedia. Jinyoung also talked about how he had always wished to see a meteor, so that he could wish upon a star, but he never had that luck. Throughout all this chatter, Mark was beginning to feel the alcohol and fatigue taking over. He tried really hard to keep up with what Jinyoung was babbling about, even adding in some questions. But soon, Mark gave up and stopped struggling to stay awake. Jinyoung would of course continue on without realising, stopping to find out only when Mark was a little too quiet after 5 minutes.

Jinyoung chuckled, but did not say anything. He continued looking up at the stars and pondered. Even though it was Jinyoung’s way of making Mark’s holiday less lonely, Mark was actually making Jinyoung feel wanted and cared for. If not for Mark, Jinyoung would have been spending his time at home alone till his family came back the week after. And Jinyoung certainly did not want to spend his holidays holed up alone for his thoughts to run wild. For that, Jinyoung was simply grateful for a companion. He let Mark nap a while more, dusting the flies off Mark’s hair and face in between. Mark always had a glow in him, and to Jinyoung, this glow was what made him approach Mark at the start. Jinyoung wonders how long more would he be able to admire Mark before he would be taken by someone else.

The silent moment was interrupted by Mark’s phone, as messages began flooding, sending the phone into a seizure. Mark jerked himself awake, still in a daze. Jinyoung heaved a sigh of relief, as Mark had missed the instant he had to turn away from staring, face still flushed.

“Come on, let’s head back. You’re tired,” Jinyoung breaks the silence to cover up his nervousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally figured out how this will end, so it's more than halfway through now I guess. will be heading for a trip soon, so I won't update for a while. but in the meantime, hope you guys enjoyed it?


	10. chapter 10 - the weakness

The previous night passed by virtually in an instant, with both boys knocking themselves out fast. Mark and Jinyoung had given themselves in to the fatigue accumulated upon reaching home. When they awoke the next day, it was already past one. Since nothing was planned on the agenda, it was settled that pizza and a movie would while their time away. Nothing like staying in to make a homebody’s day, which in this case suited Mark.

Jinyoung had only a few English movies to choose from, and he chose Dead Poet’s Society. Mark was hoping for something less heavy, but he was still fine with whatever Jinyoung would choose. It was one of Jinyoung’s favourite movies, and the scene where the students all stood on top of their desks always got him.

Mark would occasionally steal glances over to the one next to him, to try catching his attention. It wasn’t that Mark was bored with the movie, but he rather watch the nuances portrayed with Jinyoung’s facial expressions. However, the latter was too engrossed in the movie to care, and so Mark had no choice but to focus on the movie. It was towards the end of the movie, when Jinyoung started sobbing, that Mark fully turned his attention towards Jinyoung.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t control myself each time this scene appears,” Jinyoung mutters in between sobs. Mark just laughs, earning a playful smack from Jinyoung.

“So I suppose you don’t watch this movie in front of your friends then?” Mark asks.

“What are you hinting? Well I, for one have had, discussions in class about this movie. But yes I’ve never let anyone seen me watch this movie.”

“Jinyoungie is scared to let people see him cry!” Mark exclaims and sniggers.

“Aish, shut up! Then what about you, why are you not affected by this scene? Are you a wall or made of ice?” Jinyoung yelps defensively, throwing a cushion into Mark’s direction.

Their conversation turns into a pillow fight. Throwing cushions, slamming it against each other. It does not take long before Mark and Jinyoung tire themselves out, slouching themselves against the couch and calling a truce.

“Do you have any favourite movies, or any cultural interest? Considering you are from US, the land of fine arts,” Jinyoung questions.

“Not really, I usually just stay at home and watch cat videos? But I do listen to a lot of genres of music though.”

“Pfft, typical Mark answer, short and sweet. Then in that case, don’t mind me asking, why did you choose to come Korea?” the abrupt change in Jinyoung’s topic caught Mark by surprise. Mark pauses for a moment, finding the words to express himself in Korean.

“It’s ok if you’re not comfortable talking about it, hyung.”

“No, I’m fine. I’m just trying to find the correct words to articulate.”

Mark swallows and looks at Jinyoung, before beginning to open his mouth.

“You know how your place is filled with family pictures and snippets of your achievements? My home back in the States is similar. My parents would display all these proudly in the living areas. But none of them were ever my contributions. I’m different from you, in the sense that I’ve always been a good for nothing?” Mark pauses and looks at Jinyoung, who gives Mark his full attention and a nod to reaffirm Mark.

“To be honest, before coming here, I’ve never actually thought about what I want. I didn’t really have an option too, considering I would never be good enough to get into college. So I made a hasty decision to come here, to restart. And to prove to everyone back home that I can actually make it. That Mark Tuan can have his achievements plastered around too.”

Another pause, as Mark takes slow and deep breaths.

“My parents are actually awesome people, they’ve never pressured me. They didn’t even question me when I told them I wanted to come here. I just felt I needed to do something with my life after running around aimlessly for years. And it was eating into me that they had nothing to be proud of, while my other siblings had so many areas to excel in. And yet, my parents still believed in me unconditionally. I’m actually proud to say that at least now I have something to show. So yeah, that’s my story.”

Jinyoung just smiles and rubs Mark’s hand, as a sign of comfort. He knows that actions spoke louder than words in such moments.

“I’m alright actually. Although it feels good to finally tell someone about it, it’s not specifically a big secret,” Mark adds on. “I’m hungry again, can we get something to eat?”

Jinyoung covers his mouth as he guffaws, and heads off to the kitchen. Mark's change in topic caught him off guard, as things turned light-hearted again. The kitchen was not exactly well stocked, but both Mark and him throw out random ingredients that they think would suffice. They would attempt to make a carbonara dish, but neither of them are particularly adept at cooking. The end result looks more like a milky broth of pasta, as Jinyoung had misread the recipe, and forgot to drain the pasta water out. Mark’s laughter at the mess of a creation causes Jinyoung to pout. He tries to appease Jinyoung by feeding him, but the younger one is having none of it.

Mark was made to face Jinyoung’s scowl the entire mealtime, while he attempted to cheer Jinyoung up. All was soon forgiven when Mark offered to clean up and do the dishes, and Jinyoung couldn’t stay angry with Mark for long. Besides, Mark happily slurped up all of the pasta and sauce, which Jinyoung himself could not bear to finish. The rest of the night was spent talking more about their pasts, there was still much that Mark and Jinyoung had learnt about each other. It was surprisingly easy for both of them to open up to each other, something they did not find it as smoothly with many of their other friends. The couch was the pair’s safe space to pour things out, as they looked attentively at each other taking turns to speak.

They were still feeling wide awake into the wee hours sharing about themselves and their formative years, but both had come to a decision that they should get some sleep if they were to do anything the next day. Yet, Mark and Jinyoung both laid in bed unable to sleep, thinking about the heartfelt conversations uncovered about each other. 

Silence filled space in the room, only interrupted with various tossing and turning of either boy as they tried to lull themselves in. To Mark, the presence of Jinyoung lying next to him made him a little nervous, yet he was glad to be in such close proximity. He wanted to be closer, to feel the upheaval of Jinyoung’s breaths next to him.

 

“Hey Jinyoung, you still awake?” Mark asked as he turned to face Jinyoung.

“Mmhmm, I usually take a while before falling asleep.”

“Just wanted to say thanks for listening to me today.”

Jinyoung grunts a sound of acknowledgement.

He silently gives thanks for having a friend like Mark. Jinyoung continued lying on his side, thinking about his friendship with Mark, thinking about the trust he could place in him.

Amidst this, Jinyoung felt a pair of hands wrapped around him from behind. His first instinct was to freeze up, tensing himself.

 

“Jinyoungie, you alright? If you’re not comfortable I can go back to my side of the bed,” Mark asked.

Jinyoung just shook his head. But in his mind, Jinyoung wonders if this was normal. Sure, he liked the feeling of having Mark wrapped against him, but he was also hesitant with how this friendship seemed to be developing. It didn’t help that in his confusion, his heartbeat was racing, and the blood was warming up his body upon the sensation of Mark wrapping himself around Jinyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back from my trip. sorry in advance because this chapter feels so badly written, but I guess the next few should be better?


	11. chapter 11 - the dread

Mark awoke moments later, feeling pleasant. He felt the previous night was a step forward, where he was feeling brave enough to confront his growing affection for Jinyoung. This Busan trip seemed like the opportune moment to solidify what Mark wanted. To spend his many waking moments thinking about Jinyoung, and with each passing day, Mark was surer that his affection for Jinyoung could not be contained.

Mark and Jinyoung headed to the beach, and to other noteworthy places as the days passed. Laughters and smiles were on a high throughout this trip, with seemingly no end to the joy both boys found in each other. It was one of the most enjoyable holidays to Mark, and he wished that the week didn’t end for him to head back to Seoul. There were tender moments which Mark truly enjoyed himself, from sharing an ice cream cone with Jinyoung, to walking down the esplanade basking in the rays of the sun. There were even a few brushes of hands against Jinyoung, and that always kickstarted Mark’s heart rate. As much as nothing came out of it, he would always spy Jinyoung smiling with him as they whiled their time away in Busan. And at the end of each night, they would sleep close to each other. Mark would spoon Jinyoung to sleep, feeling his warmth and pacing pulse.

As they say, good things do come to an end. And the holiday had to come to an end. Mark had to head back alone, as Jinyoung wanted to spend some time at home with his family. The elder wasn’t about to impose himself either, and it was at the train station did the two of them part. Both boys were rather silent, not knowing what to say to each other. Mark felt that Jinyoung was starting to become guarded as the trip reached its gradual end, but he attributed it to the holiday ending rather. At the platform, Mark and Jinyoung exchanged glances at each other before boarding. They stood frozen at their spots, neither saying anything. The final boarding call sounded, cutting through the silence between them. Mark pushed himself forward, giving Jinyoung a last goodbye hug before parting, which felt strangely normal for Mark.

Mark envisioned himself confronting the possibility of them both being more than simply friends, but that would have to wait till Jinyoung was back. The days after the Busan trip flew past, and both boys were tied down with many school commitments. They hardly met up, except for the few times they walked past each other. Texts still alternated among Mark and Jinyoung, and Mark always found comfort in Jinyoung’s words, especially during times of stress. The communication gave Mark more confidence to approach the topic of how they were progressing, but whenever he tried talking about Busan, Jinyoung would push it away with a joke or a change in topic. And it wasn’t till a public holiday came through that Mark would finally meet Jinyoung for a date.

What was supposed to be a moment of confirmation did not go as planned. Jinyoung had packed the day with many things to do. Errands, eating, and even a movie, these things filled up the schedule for their date out. There wasn’t a proper moment together to discuss what was going on.

“Jinyoungie, can we just talk about what’s going on,” Mark, deciding that there was enough skipping over, blurted out the question over desserts. He wasn’t going to delay it anymore, even if it meant those at the café could hear.

Jinyoung, stunned for a moment, gained back his composure almost the instant he froze.

“Huh? What’s wrong hyung?” Jinyoung smiled and acted confused. It wasn’t something he was prepared to delve further.

“It’s just, after Busan and all the constant messaging, I want to know if we’re heading past friendship.”

“Hmm, I see. Well, we had fun in Busan definitely! And I mean you’re one of my trusted friends, so yeah is that the answer you’re looking for? Are you thinking too much into our friendship?” asked Jinyoung earnestly.

“Ah hyung, this topic is making things awkward, let’s just finish up the bingsu, and we’ll head off somewhere else!” Jinyoung continued, as if nothing fazed him.

Mark just nodded and followed. _Was he thinking too much into it?_ _Did the things they do together were just as normal friends?_

Jinyoung seemed so nonchalant about it that Mark thinks he may have overthought about their friendship. But then again, Jinyoung was the one who made his heart beat faster. And he was sure during those embraces to sleep, Jinyoung was feeling the same thing based on how fast his pulse was. Mark wanted Jinyoung to understand how he was feeling, how he wanted to be close to Jinyoung everytime. And to relive the times they had in Busan. But if Jinyoung didn’t want to talk about it, Mark didn’t want to press further and risk making him upset.

 

***

 

The next morning came, but Jinyoung didn’t know how long he had slept for. He had spent the night in Mark’s embrace. He had enjoyed the backhug from Mark, but Jinyoung began feeling guilty over what had transpired between the both of them.

_Was this something he had wanted?_

Jinyoung did not have answers to it. All Jinyoung knew he could do was to act normal like nothing happened. In fact, that was something Jinyoung had learnt to turn to, to pretend that he was totally fine.

Throughout the time in Busan, Jinyoung constantly felt waves of conflicted thoughts. On one hand, he had enjoyed Mark’s company. He could feel blood rushing to him each time their hands brushed past, or the unbridled happiness Mark had brought him. Yet, after every night, Jinyoung would lie within Mark’s arms and he would feel weird about it. As much as his body reacted positively to it, Jinyoung kept thinking that it wasn’t right for both of them to be pressed so close to each other as they slept. He felt it was not normal of friends to hug each other to sleep.

But Jinyoung kept mum about what he truly felt, continuing to put up a front. As friends, he should allow Mark to enjoy this trip, and Jinyoung did not want to mar Mark’s experience with his own conflicting emotions. The discomfort that was beginning to pile up clashed with his burgeoning adrenaline, which wore his front down at times. He couldn’t hide his smiles when their hands grazed each other, and he couldn’t control his physiological reactions around Mark. Jinyoung also could not mask the queasiness each morning when he awoke. Mark would pry on what was wrong with him, but Jinyoung always said he just didn’t feel so awake in the morning.

Even back in school, whenever Mark would talk about Busan or about their friendship, Jinyoung would evade. He had perfected his defense mechanism to talk about something else, and he knew Mark would not press further. Jinyoung was not ready to face that he and Mark could have feelings for each other. Every night, Jinyoung would tell himself that he and Mark were just friends, nothing more. Whatever they had done in Busan, would not be known to anyone, nor would he talk about it. _It was just two good friends having fun in Busan_ , Jinyoung would repeat to himself, _we’re in a perfectly normal friendship_.


	12. chapter 12 - the confrontation

_“Hey Jinyoung, why aren’t you glued to your phone these days?”_

_“Jinyoung is free to hang out with us today? Wow, what a surprise!”_

_“Not rushing off after meeting, or smiling to yourself anymore?”_

 

The flurry of questions on Jinyoung’s personal life began accumulating. It all happened once his friends realised Jinyoung was no longer smirking to himself recently. And Jinyoung would always reply to his friends that he was much busier with schoolwork now, that he needed to focus on the proper things. It was a half-truth. Jinyoung was just not in the mood to head out or text anyone in general recently.

 

Jinyoung’s not sure when it all began, but he knows that the emptiness in him has been creeping in much more frequently. It hasn’t helped with the fact that he was tied down with countless assignments on top of having other duties. It seemed that lecturers just loved giving due dates all at the same time. And busy, stressful periods meant that the student union would come up with initiatives to cheer the student population up. Which meant that Jinyoung had a lot on his plate. The busyness took his mind off many things that he had been thinking about, but when nightfall came, Jinyoung had nowhere to hide from it.

 

Jinyoung’s introspective mode had been on overdrive ever since he came back from Busan. And it mainly stemmed from one person; Mark Tuan. Jinyoung cherished the friendship he had with Mark, and he appreciated the many moments Mark had perked him up. But what invaded his nightly thought process was the idea that he could be missing Mark next to him, like they had been during the break. Jinyoung didn’t like that he was craving Mark’s warm backhugs, or the surge in his heart that came with thinking of Mark.

Jinyoung always told himself that he liked girls, and would see himself settling down a few years after graduating. He had grand plans of having a family, and would drive them for trips during the weekends and holidays. His wife would support him in the many things he would do, and offer him advice when he needed it. Anniversaries and occasions would be peppered with gifts and surprises. Jinyoung even had his ideal wedding plan of having it in a park overlooking the cityscape, as friends and family gathered to celebrate the union. But all these were not going to happen if Jinyoung continued to let Mark inch closer into his core.

Jinyoung tries to forget the times his heartbeat rises when he sees Mark. The expectant tinge in his stomach when awaiting Mark to say yes to Busan. The first time he felt Mark’s touch. _No, these are all just me thinking too much. Mark has and will always be a great friend. That’s the reason why I could trust him with my feelings and thoughts._ Jinyoung thinks to himself, assuaging the niggling feeling that he might after all, be different.

 

Jinyoung thinks that if Mark was making him feel uneasy, he has to cut Mark out of his life. And Jinyoung does, reducing the frequency of messages. Jinyoung even goes as far as to decline eating with his friends in the business cafeteria, just to avoid seeing Mark. It’s not that Jinyoung didn’t want Mark as a friend anymore, but he needed time away from Mark to truly immerse himself in the straight guy dynamic that he had been presenting himself throughout. Besides, the lack of a girlfriend currently has made his parents concerned, and he wasn’t about to let others suspect the true reason for his singlehood.

 

However, things do not always go as planned, and Jinyoung finds himself at the mercy of his emotions soon enough. Mark is seated outside his lecture theatre, and approaches Jinyoung the moment their eyes meet.

“We need to talk,” said Mark.

Jinyoung, as smiley as ever, bids goodbye to his friends as he suggests to Mark that they head out of school to talk. His friends are not going to see him stunned at Mark’s interruption, nor is Jinyoung going to allow Mark to tear down his façade in front of everyone.

The walk out of school is quiet, atmosphere tensed. Both parties do not speak until they reach a nearby park bench.

“Hi hyung, haven’t seen you in a while. How have you been?” Jinyoung breaks the silence with small talk.

“Not exactly good, and you know why,” came Mark’s curt reply. He wasn’t about to take Jinyoung’s niceties as compensation.

“I’ve just been really busy. You know, with student union activities and assignments.”

“But you’re still posting on social media, and I can still see the times you’ve been online, and that you’ve read the messages that I’ve sent.” Mark doesn’t hold back the feelings that come with his voice.

Jinyoung smiles, he doesn’t have any answer to Mark’s question. Or rather an answer that can satisfy both parties.

“Remember when we were sitting by the river, you said that you felt so empty. I thought we had come to a point where we could trust each other. I thought we had something. I thought you were feeling the same. And now you’re just so closed off and distant?” the rambling slid off Mark’s tongue.

“Hyung, I’m sorry you feel this way. But really, we’re just friends. I have to get back to lessons, we’ll text again to talk about it okay?”

“No, stop running away Park Jinyoung,” Mark grabbed Jinyoung by the wrists, stopping his ascent from the bench. “You jolly well know that’s not true. We both know that you’re lying.”

Jinyoung pose held frozen. He knew he couldn’t walk away this time, but he wasn’t about to turn back and look at Mark.

“I know you felt something too. From your rising heartbeat when we were entwined. When our fingers brushed against each other. The look in your eyes tells me we have something special. And do I have to ask if you initiate as much skinship with your other friends as with me?” Mark continued, finding the words he had been holding in. At the same time, the grip on Jinyoung’s hand had released.

Jinyoung turned back and looked at Mark, but without the warmth that he usually had for him.

“Finished? Do you know that this was not what I wanted? I never thought that the throbbing in my heart could increase because of a guy. I did not ask for you to spoon me. I tried avoiding you so that I could convince myself that what happened between us was just friendship. Do you know how ashamed I was of what we did in Busan? And the fact that I haven’t been talking about it, it means that I do not want to relive those days with you, nor do I want it to happen again. I’m not proud of myself for letting it to happen, but I’m not going to allow myself to regret letting you in again.”

Fist clenched and body trembling, Jinyoung was done with his tirade. He could feel water collecting at the tip of his eyes, but he was not going to shed any in front of Mark.

“Good, is that all? Then let me tell you Park Jinyoung, you’re a coward. For running away from your emotions. From your troubles. Thinking that you have it all under control. Can’t you see that there are people who are willing to be there for you? In your attempt to be well liked, have you struggled with your true self? And you know what you have been feeling, so why are you running away from it? Stop suppressing it. We’re in the 21st century, why can’t you just be open with yourself? Stop acting like you’re all straight, because we both know what’s the truth,” and Mark huffs out his last breath. He storms off, not turning back even once.

 

And Jinyoung is left standing in the park. This time, his tears finally fall, as he slumps into the bench.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I haven't been updating recently, been busy! the end is coming, and so it'll mainly be on the downer in the next few chapters.


	13. chapter 13 - the drift

Mark awakes feeling like a truck had rammed him out the night before. Being honest with himself, Mark feels like shit waking up everyday, ever since his confrontation with Jinyoung. Mark goes on with school like a zombie, avoiding most dormitory activities if he can. He didn’t want people to ask what was up with him, and he didn’t know what to answer to their questions. All he answered was a grunt, and informing others that he was feeling under the weather recently. With the chill creeping in, it was a reasonable excuse, plus it gave him a reason to constantly lie in bed.

Every night, Mark’s phone lay in the same position on the bedside drawer. He had not bothered to give himself reason to touch it. The only person that he wanted to receive a message from was probably not going to bother about him, as the dread in Mark crept in deeper. Mark did not trust people easily, but Jinyoung was someone that he truly broke his walls down for. As much as he had friends all around school, forming cliques with people from his classes or dorm, Mark didn’t confide in these friends like he did with Jinyoung. Jinyoung was someone special to him, in relaxing himself alongside Jinyoung, the ease in maintaining comfortable silences. The past few days that Mark had been constantly in bed thinking made Mark realise the fact that he couldn’t let Jinyoung go. He wasn’t even going to care if Jinyoung would reciprocate the feelings that Mark was feeling. He just wanted Jinyoung to be his friend again.

Mark decides that maybe today, he would take up the courage and apologise to Jinyoung. The company of Jinyoung was far more cherished to him than his pride and ego.

“I’m sorry, Jinyoung. For all I’ve said that day, it was wrong of me to push you after hearing all your stories. Can I make it up to you?”

One hour passed. Mark checks his phone, still no reply. An hour after another continues, till Mark has lost track of the time that elapsed since he sent the message. Jinyoung still had not said anything. Mark continues scrolling through social media to while his time away, still nothing. Not content with waiting again, Mark sends one more text.

“I’m not asking for anything, but just for us to talk again. I don’t want us to be hurting anymore. And right now, I’m not even asking you to face the feelings or the things that we have done before. I just want to talk to you all over again. For us to be the friends that we were before.”

The heartfelt messages don’t seem to have an effect. The days continue to pass similarly like the past few. Mark on autopilot mode in school and in the dorm. He doesn’t have appetite for anything, and it shows on his face, as friends are concerned, asking him if everything is alright and if they can do anything for him. Mark wants to tell them that no, he isn’t okay, and he wants his friend back. The friend that was almost a soulmate to him. Alas, he could not, and he just lies to them that he’ll be fine soon enough. In the midst of slugging through the days, he continues to send more messages to Jinyoung, hoping for even an inkling of a reply. He knows that Jinyoung has read these messages, because Jinyoung is apparently fine on social media. Mark contemplates between posting a cryptic message directed to Jinyoung on Facebook, or even commenting on Jinyoung’s posts to get his attention, but eschews it in favour of another message spam to Jinyoung’s phone.

“I’m sorry. What will it take to make it go back to normal?”

“I know you’re reading this, can’t we just try something out and meet each other halfway?”

“Jinyoung, I’ve already apologised countless times. What more do you want from me? What do you want?”

The exasperation was building in Mark’s words, and yet it seemed to have no effect on his intended target. And the familiar vibration from the phone came once more, giving Mark some form of hope.

“I think it’s time you stopped, hyung. You’ve been spamming me texts on what you hope or want, but what about me? You know what I want? To be away from you. I can’t look at you the same anymore, as the things we have done are eating into me everyday. I just can’t bring myself to be normal around you. Call me a coward if you want, but I’m not going to steer myself away from who I am just to be friends with you again. I’m sorry, hyung. Take care.”

With that, Mark’s world came crashing down again. The glimmer of hope that was there moments ago was forcefully taken away from him. No amount of lashing out at Jinyoung was going to take it away, nor would it change anything. The lights of their friendship had dimmed, the rhythm of their conversations would never flow again.

 

***

 

Mark was easing into his social life slowly again, regaining his colour bit by bit. The end of the semester was soon approaching, keeping Mark busy. He didn’t have a lot of free time at hand to think a lot, which was good in the sense that his mind couldn’t wander off thinking about Jinyoung. The many times he encountered Jinyoung in school, he would consider approaching the latter, but often reason got in the way of him. After all, Jinyoung was perpetually with someone every moment in school, and Mark could feel that Jinyoung was avoiding him. Even when they were in the same cafeteria, their eyes would never meet even as Mark lingered his gaze on Jinyoung the whole time.

Mark knew deep down that it was over, but he could not fully accept it. Instead, it was filled with thoughts of the times they spent together, and how Mark yearned for Jinyoung to initiate skinship with him again. He wanted to reach out to feel Jinyoung’s warmth on his body again, or to lock arms with him. Mark even wanted to reach out to Jinyoung when he saw him struggling with logistics during one of the student union events, barring the possible rejection Jinyoung would give him. Yet, Mark once again decided against it, deep down knowing that he could never handle the consequences. All that was left now were the memories that had seared into their brain, never becoming reality again.

 

***

 

For Jinyoung, he felt as if he was finally free. No longer did he need to worry about what others would think of when he and Mark were out. He used to be uncomfortable when friends had asked him about his friendship with Mark, but now that they didn’t keep in contact anymore, Jinyoung had no such worry.

He still thought about their past at times, especially during the night. As much as Jinyoung tried to push it out of his mind, he knew that it wouldn’t be easy. _Just take it slow, like how the childhood memories were slowly phased out_ , Jinyoung would always tell himself. He knew he could suppress it like how he could suppress those unhappy times. Avoiding Mark was easy for him, as Jinyoung would look away whenever Mark was in sight, acting as if he was busy with someone or something. He knew that Mark had been glancing at him, hoping to catch his attention. But Jinyoung was not one to cave in, he never did allow his eyes to meet Mark’s. It didn’t hide the fact that Jinyoung was rather sensitive to Mark’s presence every once in a while, even if Mark didn’t realise it.

Cutting contact between them both would liberate Mark and Jinyoung. It was the best path for both of them, since they could now focus on their other friends, and move on to find girls suitable for them. The pain now would not compare to the shame and discomfort in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this kind of marks the end of their relationship, where it truly comes to the end? thanks for reading once again, and the last two chapters will be more like a roundup kind of thing i guess?


	14. chapter 14 - the divide

_End of semesterrr!!! Can’t wait to head back to Busan and just chill out. See you guys back in school next year!_

The number of likes and comments whirled in within minutes of posting. Jinyoung had always been popular, and his social media posts representative of it. Another hectic semester had ended, and Jinyoung felt rescued from all the tension that had been within him these past few months. A trip back home would definitely help him, as Jinyoung could be away from all his issues. It would be a “healing camp” for him, with no one to bother him, save for his sisters’ nagging of him reading and being a homebody all the time. _Get some sun_ , they would say. He actually missed their naggings, as much as he did not want to admit it.

Besides, being back home had reduced the chances of seeing the once familiar stranger in his life. How he would no longer need to act all fine and smiley, yet at the same time act as if he did not know the person he often encountered in the business cafeteria. There was guilt, there was anger, there was indifference. Every chance meeting brought about different emotions in him when he met Mark, and Jinyoung just wanted to be free from being strained emotionally by looking at the face he once admired so. He needed to move on.

 

***

 

Mark read the Facebook status update on Jinyoung’s profile. He cringes at it, feeling something within him aching along. As much as he harboured some bitterness towards Jinyoung for being so cowardly and heartless, Mark still found himself checking Jinyoung’s page out every now and then. The end of semester could be a good break for them both. Maybe after the holidays, the wounds would have healed. They might be friendly to each other again. They might not. The possibilities were endless, but it beat the hopeless situation Mark was currently situated in. The elder knows he would definitely take Jinyoung back as a friend in a blink. Even if the possibility was not in the near future.

His hopes are dashed once again when the new semester begins, as Jinyoung is still the same friendly senior to everyone, but the cold stranger that once felt so warm to Mark.

 

Jinyoung feels like a dream to him, a dream that Mark has overstayed in.

 

***

 

The shadow of their shared memories still linger many months on. Though Mark and Jinyoung were well into their separate lives, these memories still presented themselves vividly even when they did not ask for it. A chance encounter of both in the streets of Seoul brings these thoughts to a standstill.

 

“Jinyoung-ah! Nice meeting you here. You good?” Mark approaches first.

 

“Hi hyung, yes I’m great actually. Just about to meet some friends of mine along the way. You?”

 

“Ah I see, good to hear. I myself am good too, just busy with school work and finding internship opportunities I guess?” Mark shrugs.

And both Mark and Jinyoung alternate their gazes into the space behind each other’s heads and onto their faces, thinking of what to say next. The silence trails on a little too close to an uncomfortable one, till Jinyoung tells Mark he has to head off.

 

“I’ll see you around in school again I guess, nice meeting you. All the best then!”

 

Mark smiles and nods to Jinyoung’s reply. It was actually the first time that Jinyoung had acknowledged his presence in a stretch. Mark heads off to his destination, feeling much lighter than before.

 

“It was nice seeing you again Jinyoungie, really glad we met on the streets. We should catch up!” Mark begins sending.

Mark feels this could be the time where he had been waiting for, to be friends all over again. He omits how floored he was with Jinyoung’s appearance once again, his denim jacket paired with a striped tee, and snug fitting black pants. It isn’t till he sits down at a café that he regains some sort of a calm. Mark knows he shouldn’t think and feel as such, but he can’t help himself.

 

Yet, on the other side, Jinyoung feels as though he has failed himself. He thinks of the least friendly way to reply Mark’s text, before deciding to chuck it aside. He has no intention to catch up, nor does he really want to be involved in Mark’s life again. He just wants to move on with his life.

 

_Maybe you would not believe me Mark-hyung, but I’m much more contented with this ending. Maybe you would not believe me if I said that I did not have regrets, but I truly believe this is the best for us._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short chapter, to end off things. the last chapter will try to bridge this chapter and the first chapter together (kinda?). so yea enjoy


	15. chapter 15 - the release

Jinyoung’s phone vibrates. A message from Mark lights up the screen.

 

“Hey…How have you been? I was thinking if you would like to meet for a meal sometime soon?” read the text. Jinyoung lingers his eyes on the screen, thinking what his next course of action should be.

 

“Hey hyung, sure thing. Let’s meet at the subway station this Saturday evening for dinner?” Jinyoung ensures that he doesn't show any emotion in the message, and yet tried to make it such that it wouldn’t seem so cold. He didn’t want to meet Mark, but he knows that he has an obligation, after trying so hard to seem like he wasn’t affected. He could move on with his life, and he had to prove it to Mark.

 

Saturday evening came, but Jinyoung was so not looking forward to it. He rued over the fact that the rain had stopped earlier on, and that he could not cancel on the dinner. Nonetheless, it gave him an opportunity to be late, since he would have to walk to the station. He chose a plain black tee, and a pair of fitting navy blue jeans. He needed to look good, but not too put together. Jinyoung didn’t try to style his hair like usual, he needed to keep the nonchalant look all round.

 

“Mark-hyung, got delayed by the rain. I’ll be late, sorry!”

 

“No problem, I should be here early though. Will wait for you at the ticket counter. What do you feel like having?” Mark replied.

 

“Hmm, I’m fine with anything. You decide?” Jinyoung was still keeping to a short and sweet style, only that there was nothing sweet about him in sending the messages.

 

“Ah, then we’ll decide when you get here. My treat today! :)”

 

Jinyoung arrived at the subway station ten minutes late. He tried apologising for it (he did feel bad for being late), but then again, he wanted to delay for as long as he could.

 

The journey walking through the crowd was subdued, accompanied by the chatter around them. It wasn’t an awkward silence, since both of them had been used to quiet moments between them before. But something was off about the atmosphere, and they both knew it. To Mark, Jinyoung still looked as good as he had been the last time they met. Mark wanted to tell Jinyoung how well put he looked, and that he looked as radiant as usual. Yet, Mark knew that he couldn’t, because things were not the same anymore. It would only make things awkward once more if he had to be honest with himself.

 

The conversation between both parties was peppered with asking of how life has been since they last met, and what was new. Mark was in a chatty mood, as he tried to keep the topics going. Jinyoung felt obligated to ask Mark about how he had been, and tried to play his part as the friend that he was supposed to be. They talked about future plans, and ambitions, since they were nearing the end of college. Their conversation was only interrupted when the waiter came, as their food came to them. Jinyoung’s craving for sashimi brought them to this Japanese restaurant. They dug into the food, both glad for the intermission to their current situation. Jinyoung noticed Mark was nibbling slowly, a far cry from his usual devouring of his meals, but he gave no thought to it and continued to take a slice of the salmon.

 

“So, have you met any girl recently that caught your eye?” the dreaded question came out of Mark’s mouth, and Jinyoung hesitated. Sure, he had been prepared for this, but just not so soon. 

 

“Erm, not really I guess. I mean there are girls who I felt I could click with, but just didn’t get the chance to talk to them. Or the good ones are taken.”  _Must not show my discomfort._

 

“Ah, just thought you would be caught up with too many girls since you’re always tagged with girls on social media. Guess your expectations are just too high!” added Mark with a smile.

 

“Haha, yea I guess. How about you hyung?” the laughter was rather forced, but Jinyoung felt he had no choice but to add it in. _Did he fall for my relaxed front?_

 

“Nothing much, you know me, I’ve been busy with internship and I haven’t been looking around. Let’s talk about something else then.” Mark tried diverting the topic away seeing as to how Jinyoung seemed hesitant to be sharing too much. _I guess he isn’t comfortable enough._

 

The rest of the meal continued with other topics, and Jinyoung would say that it went rather smoothly. He was delighted when their dinner ended and Mark paid for the bill. Not that he wanted a treat, but rather it meant that he could leave.

 

“So, do you have any other plans? I was thinking we could get some drinks and head to the bridge?” Mark asked with some hesitation. _Please say yes._

 

“Ah, sorry hyung, I have an early appointment tomorrow, and I guess I’ll have to head back home. I guess another time maybe?”

 

Mark nodded to the reply, and he knew there was nothing better to say. The pair began making steps towards the subway station, this time with the journey having silences that were not so natural anymore. Both parties did try to add in questions here and there, but it always ended off after one or two sentences.

 

Jinyoung bade goodbye to Mark upon reaching the station. Thankfully he and Mark were headed towards different directions. Entering the train car, Jinyoung heaved a sigh of relief. His quota of entertaining Mark was cleared, and it’ll probably be a few more months before he had to meet up with him again. Or maybe this was the last meeting if possible. Jinyoung just knew that he could be at ease for sometime now.

 

“Thanks for the treat, hyung. Rest well!” and he sent yet another obligatory text. Jinyoung hated how fake he had to be, but he felt as if he had no choice. On the journey back, he thought about how the dinner went today. It actually turned out better than he expected, as Mark wasn’t too pushy about trying to be friends again. Jinyoung did see himself enjoying certain parts during the dinner and their talks, but he was even surer that he did not want to be close to Mark again anymore. He needed himself to be strong, and he needed to pull himself away from such feelings if he were to have a future. Nobody needed to know about his past with Mark, nor did they need to know that they weren’t as close as before. Sure, the memories of the past do come back, but Jinyoung wanted them to stay in the past, and that the events never happen again. Not with Mark, or any other guy for that matter. Jinyoung would focus on his studies, find a good job, have a stable income. And in the midst of this, he would see himself getting a girlfriend, and they’ll probably get married after few years of dating, where he would have his happy family. Yes, that was the plan, and it would be the chapter that he would share with people. Not that chapter he had with Mark.

 

Jinyoung walked back to his apartment, got ready for bed and looked at his phone one last time before retiring.

 

“Thanks. Had a good time today and it was nice seeing you again. Sleep tight Jinyoungie.”

 

_We aren't able to be honest with each other, can we ever? Maybe one day things will change. At least now it seems I’m inching towards a change._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it's the end. i kind of written this chapter quite some time ago, so it feels a little unpolished and weird. 
> 
> just wanted to say thanks guys for taking the time to read through this whole fic. i'm sorry that some of the chapters were not written very well, I guess i kinda lost the mood/inspiration after a while, and yea some parts i'm not proud of writing haha. but i hope you guys enjoyed it, and give comments if you like!
> 
> after going through this chaptered-fic, i feel i'm better off doing one-shots? so yea i might or might not do up more, i'll see how it goes? i guess just to share, this fic is kind of a catharsis for me, and perhaps why it feels a little disjointed at times. so yup, that's it from me for now!

**Author's Note:**

> Still a WIP, will update tags as I go along. but yea this fic won't have a happy ending? also, it starts off with the end, and the next chapter will truly begin from the start.  
> comments are appreciated again!


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